untitled

She died a year ago and I have no words.

I have tried for weeks to find the opening line, the "post title," the anything that would tribute her well. But I am speechless. Speechless and uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because the dissatisfaction, the grasping at words leaves me squirming in my seat.

Usually I can dig and dream and find the words and write the story but not this time.  And this is the very most important time.  It's the time to honor her and remember her because I don't get to talk about her anymore and her birthday is Saturday. 

So I weep.

I weep for the things that are not and the things that should have been and for the brokenness and ugly and all the "gone wrong" that surrounds me.  The disappointments and failures and mistakes and I cannot turn away.  I cannot ignore the hurt and pain and the deep-down-to-my-toes wrenching emptiness.  Who knew there were dark corners in shadows, tucked away from all light and hope.  Have you noticed how much further pain seems to be going?  It's in all directions, to heights and depths unseen, and to places we didn't know pain could reach.  And yet...  

I cannot forget that the brokenness is taken into tender hands and covered by tender love.  I cannot forget that His tears cover my brokenness and the gone wrong.  Because it has been, more than anything this year, the fact that His tears cover my tears.  His sweet mercy carries my grief and reminds me that more than blood to cover, it is Him that covers.  He befriended me in my grief in the most lovely way. He gently opened the gate for me to have Him and all of Him.  All of His goodness chased the faith in me until it found its rest at the most broken place so that it could be the most restored part of my heart.  So that the faith in me would be like valuable treasure and costly, like a pearl of great price. And now a tiny voice can say with great conviction and hope and trust that God is good and He is close to the brokenhearted.  He will stop at nothing for us to want Him and all of Him.

  

Olivia, you are the very best thing to ever happen to me and the mark you left on me is undoubtedly the most radiant.  Thank you for every second of life and death, of joy and pain, and for introducing me to the Healer. In the words of Pink, who I think you would have loved:  "We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again."  ~ Your ever-lovin' mama