I’ve had a really hard time being a mom lately.
There are all kinds of moments and reasons that have added up to a really frustrated woman who has two kids. It’s even more difficult, however, because there isn’t a wealth of discussion (or admission) from other moms who have more than just “moments” and venture into seasons of struggling in motherhood. I guess that’s why I’m writing this blog.
Anger has usually been a very comfortable thing for me. Put two toddlers in my life who are learning to obey, respect, love, etc. and it becomes more common. I’m not writing this because I’m proud of that weakness, but more to encourage other moms who might have struggles like mine. And confession is like cool rain on blistering embers. I need a thunderstorm.
Zoë and I hit some hard times just before she turned two, and our anger & attitudes fueled our developing relationship. She and I are both strong-willed, first-born girls who tend to think that everything in the universe must cater to our wants, ideas, and especially our emotions. Put two women like that together, add transition of life, other stresses and out emerges a very volatile situation. God, however, in His great mercy and divine providence, landed us in a “Love & Logic” class on parenting. The senior pastor of McKinney Bible Church was willing to share his struggle in anger and then gave some practical advice that allowed Zoë and I to turn a corner. But the past few months, I find myself in a whole new season with Zoë approaching her fourth birthday and frustrated that this issue is resurfacing.
Of late I have come to realize something quite overwhelming. One can want to have children while not wanting to become a mother. There is a big difference between the two. “Wanting to have children” feeds on the cuteness, the newness, and the basic thrill of babies, toddlers, etc. Have you noticed that we ask newly married couples “When are you guys going to have kids?” and not “When are you guys going to become parents?” Probably because it’s easier think of sweet babies then question the preparedness of someone’s heart. Newsflash! Both questions are important.
I started sobbing the other night in bed, deep & heavy tears. I was shaking and can’t remember another time I’ve been so upset. A sentence started circling my thoughts and it took every ounce of capacity to utter the words: I hate being a mother. I said it twice and I meant it both times. The weight was so unbearable that even in a pitch-black room, the darkness seemed darker. After a box of Kleenex, glass of water, and husband-comfort, I could breath again and started saying this, over and over:
“And the Truth shall set you free. And the Truth shall set you free. And the Truth shall set you free."